I'm not the type to complain about situations that can be fixed or changed in anyway, but I've been feeling really ugly on the inside and out. I kinda realized this weeks ago at Brooke's graduation barbeque....
It's a great thing to know that you have friends and people in your life who love you for the way you are. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with happiness just knowing that. So at the bbq, Brooke told me outta no where really, not being inclined to say it or anything, that her friend (ugh I wish I can remember her name! Jasmine was it?...) said that I was really pretty. And hindsight now I don't remember being so flippin estatic that another person thought I was pretty. Especially meeting me for the first time. I think on the inside I must have gone beserk with happiness and appreciation. I still go beserk thinking about it. Now I have to explain that Brooke's friend was really pretty herself! Infact gorgeous. She was light-skinned, had chinky eyes ( definately mixed now that I think about it) and she was stylish. Now before you guys start thinking Im homo Im not. I just thought she was a pretty girl. So for her to say this to...regular me I was kinda taken back for a second.
Alright Antoinette so whats the point? Is that what your saying? The point is that I shouldnt go beserk when someone says Im pretty. I should already know it. Of course I think Im pretty. Hell Im drop dead gorgeous and just sexy-fly in my book. When I look in the mirror I feel great but when I see pictures of myself I feel somewhat disguisted. Sometimes I wish I could have an out of body experience to see myself and look at myself as another person to see if what I see in the mirror is a lie to what I really look like to other people.
Im not happy with myself. And ya know like I said Im not the type to complain and not do anything about it. Weight has always been a problem with me. I remember people saying to me when I was younger if I was pregnant and all through middle school I was teased. Stuff like that doesnt faze me but yet sometimes I feel ugly! I've gone to "fat camps" (yeah you guys saw that MTV series? I WAS THERE AT THAT CAMP FOR 3 SUMMERS!..they filmed the year I didnt go) I've played Lacrosse for 4 years (ladies we all know I can run!) I've seen a nutritionist, been on weight watchers, seen endocrinologists, cardiologists, etc. They all tell me if I go any deeper into this basically Im gonna die. yay *super sarcasm*.
So now what...Im going away to college where Im gonna be working my ass off on the big ass hilly campus! yay *non sarcasm* and I'll be in the gym 4 times a week *homework permitting*. I just wish I wasn't in this alone. I wish I had someone there to guide me but being basically the largest person I know in both family and friend circles its a lonely battle. Now I don't want you guys to comment like "just go outside and run, eat good, yada yaaa". Anyone who knows me (especially Ashley Douglas! knows Im the PICKIEST eater on earth and she has a hard time eating at my house with all the low fat, no calorie, no sugar, low sodium stuff lol). I just need guidance...and maybe a trainer lol.
//Edit. Okay its been one day since I made this post. In retrospect I think I was complaining a bit despite the fact I said I wasn't. I think I was looking for someone to take ownership of this problem along with me when really the solution to the problem lies in my own hands and my hands alone. yurp.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment